Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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