I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
