so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
