life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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