I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
