Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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