girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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