I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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