She is in my trunk
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
