He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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