So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
