***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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