mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm like, not good at living.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
