The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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