He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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