I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
