who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
