Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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