I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
