friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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