Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
