I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
