I want to stick my p in your. b.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
