I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
