look no pants
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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