And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
