I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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