tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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