Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
