you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
