oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
