he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
