Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
