I'm going to jail i love you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
