im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
