I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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