My liver just broke up with me...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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