I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
