I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
