im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
