Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
