We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
