guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
