I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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