I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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