If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
