You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
