you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
