got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
