My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
