Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
