Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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